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Sous Love

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Day 13 [11 Oct 2010|09:28am]
10:08am-Wow, a lot has happened in the past 4 days. I talked to Darcy so much, especially given that he is 10,000 miles away. I drank a lot on Friday night and sent Darcy all this emails about loving him and wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. Lucky for me, he responded well. This was especially given the fact that I promised not to say that anymore to him. We ended up having a fairly lengthy discussion about that yesterday. I expressed a lot of concerns I had about not being about to be myself and express how I felt and still live up to his expectations. For Darcy, this is definitely an all or nothing game. And honestly it should be. But with the uncertainty of it all, timing and such, I didn’t want to regret anything. I want to be able to tell him. Darcy was able to express to me some concerns he had as well. I told him that if I was going to act like his friend then I needed to feel like his friend. For me it is hard to have to pretend to be just friends when I am really madly in love with him. So I made the choice to try and get myself to not love him anymore. Of course, that was completely futile because I can’t make myself not love him. Just like I couldn’t force myself to love him if I didn’t. In the end, I think we both decided that would not be a good idea to try and force emotional distance.

We ended up having another discussion about insecurities and fears. I really believe that making yourself that vulnerable and exposed to someone creates a certain type of intimacy that you can’t manufacture. I miss him endlessly. I don’t believe we should ever be apart this long again in the future.

3:23pm- I miss Darcy’s smile. It has been really great getting to talk to Darcy as much as I have since he has been gone. I appreciate that to no end and hearing his voice is amazing. Just like this morning when he called on my way to work. It changed from a good day to an amazing one. Just from hearing his voice. But seriously, nothing actually replaces seeing him. I keep picturing in my head being at his house, sitting on his countertop so I was the perfect height, and he came over to me, I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissing him. *sigh* I wish I could be doing that right this moment. I wish I could look into his eyes, see his smile, and feel his body next to mine. I need physical contact. That has to be one of my love languages. I honestly believe that is true that I need physical contact in addition to emotional intimacy.

Darcy said something that has been on my mind. One of his insecurities was being more invested in a friendship/relationship than the other person. Thinking the friendship/relationship is more than it really is. He has gotten seriously burned about that in the past. So his solution is to hold back from the person, so he doesn’t get as invested emotionally, so he doesn’t get hurt. I completely understand that. Although he denies it, I know there is a piece of him that is doing that with me. Can I blame him? Given our current situation, there could be quite the possibility that he could get seriously hurt. If he really gave into how he was feeling and then I chose to stay in my current situation, he would be devastated. I don’t blame Darcy at all. But being such an incredible emotional person, I just can’t fathom being like that. Although I can put myself in his shoes and understand it intellectually, my heart would never go for something like that. And don’t get me wrong, I have been really hurt. Devastated. Would I want to go through that pain again? No. But would that fear keep me from jumping off the precipice of love head first. Absolutely not. I would rather feel the pain and know it existed than live a life where I never got to experience the ecstasy of true love. So I guess he won’t, until he thinks we are a sure thing. Only problem with that theory is…you can never be sure of that. He would always have to have the fear that I wouldn’t choose him. Just like I would have the fear that he wouldn’t choose me either. Or that he could change his mind at anytime.

I told Darcy about one of my biggest insecurities. All of the times I have ever been in love, the object of my affection never loved me back. Or I should say, never vocalized it to me. What I didn’t tell Darcy was that, because of that, is the very reason I believed in unconditional love. I didn’t need them to tell me that they loved me. I didn’t need to hear it in order to believe it. I knew that I did. Would it have been nice to be loved back? Yes of course, but whether they did or didn’t, had no affect over whether I did or didn’t. So I knew that it wasn’t conditional. At least not conditional in that respect. I realize now that type of unconditional love is very different that the one I believe in now. But the very core foundation for it is the same. I always believed that there was something wrong with me. I think I have this incredible capacity to love. And I thought I was able to love someone, all their great qualities, all their faults, everything. Why wouldn’t someone want that in their life? But these guys weren’t ready for it. I thought I always chose the most emotional unavailable men to love. Maybe as a challenge to myself, if only I could get them to love me…but I realize I was very wrong. I loved them because of who they were and how they changed my life profoundly. I realize that I think I was waiting to love someone who would love me back. I was waiting for the love of my life. So that when the person I do love, finally tells me that he loves me, it will be like no other experience I have ever had in my life, quite literally. And that will be a profound experience in my life. There are absolutely no guarantees that the person will be Darcy but now I am able to really see the entirety of the situation and view it objectively.

9 days until he comes back in town. I really hope I get to see him. All of that will depend on where I am at and how he feels.
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Day 9 [07 Oct 2010|09:27am]
10:10am-Darcy called me last night and I ended up talking to him for over 4 hours. I even got to talk to his dad briefly. It went from really good to really bad back to okay in the end. I am going through an emotional roller coaster and I really believe he is too. I miss him like crazy. I don’t want to stop talking to him and I don’t want to not see him anymore. I really feel turned around. I can’t imagine my life without him. I really seriously cannot imagine a world without him in it. Every day. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that. So I need to figure a way to make that happen as soon as possible. I am just trying to do things the right way, the way that respects and honors him and myself the best way possible. And a way that gives my son the best possible outcome for a life not screwed up by dysfunction. I realize that I play that game a lot though. The one where I am trying to please everybody and make everybody happy. What I often fail to realize is that I can’t make everybody else happy if I am not happy myself.

He read to me from his journal. I think some if it was really good (he is really attached to me, wants me as a perm fixture in his life) but some of it wasn’t. He said that I sometimes made him feel like he was playing seconds to my current situation. And that destroyed me. Because Mr. Darcy certainly isn’t number two in my life. He is the center of my world. I can’t change my current situation overnight and I know he knows that. The entire situation isn’t fair to him. I want so badly to make instant changes that would benefit the both of us but that stems from my desire to make him happy in an instant gratification way. I need to think bigger picture for long term happiness.

Darcy also said that using the L word in this current situation diminishes the value of it. I was a little hurt by that. Because honestly, I truly believe that I do love him. Really truly and unconditionally. And for the first time in my life, I really understand what that means. But he says that my actions don’t match the words I use. I don’t know what to say to that. I understand where he is coming from but it still really stings. To love someone and then they say it doesn’t hold any value to you saying it….hurts. So I effectively took it off the table and vowed not to tell him again. Until such a time when he can see my actions matching my words. But that makes me feel gun shy to ever use that word again. I know I feel like that, and inside I will feel it but I will keep it in. Maybe one day, I can say it again. Just makes me so sad. :-(
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Day 8 [06 Oct 2010|09:26am]
9:45am- I haven’t heard from Darcy since Monday after work. We didn’t have one of the most positive conversations. So I told Darcy that I might not leave my current situation until the end of the year. In the grand scheme of things, by the time he gets back, it is only another two months. But it is two months that I had wanted to spend with Darcy and probably won’t. I know that ultimately though, if I get to him in the end, won’t it be worth it?

My best friend is having a baby. I am so beyond excited for her. I guess I always thought we would be pregnant together and have our babies grow up playing together. The stark reality is that I am nowhere near having another child and given my current situation I wonder if that will ever happen. I really hate feeling depressed. Between being confused over my current situation, Darcy being 10,000 miles away and getting over being sick, I really feel like crawling into a hole. Ugh! I am trying to stay positive but that is becoming increasing difficult.

I miss Darcy so much. I actually cried on my way to work this morning. I feel so overwhelmed about this situation. What is that Serenity prayer? I feel like it applies now. :-(

14 days.

11:06am- Why does not hearing from him and not seeing him actually giving me a physical reaction? I honestly feel like throwing up. I hate this. I was re-reading the past 5 pages and I am scared to let him read this. Why is this man I have known for such a short period of time having such an effect on me? AHHHHH!!!!

4:25pm- I have that Paramore song- The Only Exception playing on repeat in my head. Today got progressively worse. I was hoping for a late turnaround. I still miss him madly. I will not survive another 2 weeks like this. I need a major distraction. I can’t help but wonder if he is gut wrenching missing me like I am him. The longer the time passes that I don’t see or hear from him, the further away I push myself. Not emotionally. But solely mentally. It is a throw back from my defensive mechanism I was accustomed to when I lived in NY. I find myself slipping into that mental state. Darcy hates when I “switch” off. He can tell when I go from being emotional to being rational. When I am emotional I am all loving and missing him and hopeful and mushy and….but when I go rational, I am very much turned off. Arms length, this is what has to happen, blah blah blah. I want to stay in the emotional side. I want to live there with him permanently. But I feel like when he is far away and I can’t read his emotions, well it is easier to live in that other space. Good thing this journal is for me, because I am probably the only person who this can make sense to.

It has been 48 hours since the last time he contacted me. 48 hours seems like an eternity though when you have someone wrapped up in every fiber of your being. I am just really looking forward to the next time I actually see him. I wish I could go to the airport to pick him up but he probably has that job delegated to his girlfriend
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Day 6 [04 Oct 2010|09:25am]
2:46pm- So this weekend was interesting. Darcy called me! I was so surprised but so incredibly happy. We had another one of our deep conversations which amazes me given that he was 10,000 miles away. The conversation had its ups and downs; I think I realized how much I really missed him once I heard his voice again. We talked about the future and what will come, as best as we can. I think I realized that it will be a long road for us. I guess I just figured that I would move out of my current situation and work the details out later. But I think Darcy wants the details worked out before we move forward. I am overwhelmed right now and I am not sure how or when all of that will happen. Trying to hold it together. I just don’t know how I could have a future filled with happiness if it didn’t include him. I think about the religious differences we have and I am scared of being able to overcome those. But I know that Darcy and I can overcome almost anything. I feel like my existence has become tied and interwoven with his. That sounds absurd. I know! I have only known this person for a short amount of time, less than 3 months. I can’t wrap my mind around it either. But it is the strongest emotional bond I have ever experienced with another human being, that wasn’t related to me.

I have so many insecurities about my relationship with him. I keep feeling like he is going to wake up one day over there and realize that the situation is not one he wants to be involved in. I don’t want this situation either but since I can’t immediately change it, I am afraid he will walk away. I need to let go of that and let whatever happens, happen.

Darcy stumbled across my LiveJournal online and read a good portion of my life for the past 8 years. I think once he told me that, I was really taken aback. Not that he couldn’t read it. It is on a public forum. But when I wrote it, it was to a very different audience and my mind frame was very different. I am not trying to hide anything from him, but it is a little like he snuck into my room, found my diary under the mattress and read it without me knowing. The LiveJournal chronicles a relationship I had in great detail and I guess there are some things I know he just doesn’t need to know for his own sanity. But it is a part of my life so I suppose if he will ever love me, he has to love all of me. I don’t want to hide anything from him; he needs to see me in the rawest, most uncensored version.

I just got an email from Darcy saying how much his heart aches being apart from me. I melted. Seriously that is exactly how I feel. I actually have a strong physical response to not being with him. Another aspect of this whole thing that amazes me. How that is even possible, I have no idea.
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Day 3 [01 Oct 2010|09:24am]
12:20pm- I talked to Darcy before his plane left yesterday. It was a great surprise. He gives me this incredible internal strength just by having him in my life. I also got this voicemail message on my work phone from him. Made my day! I have no idea why just hearing his voice gets me all giggly.

I have been thinking about him non-stop. It has been 4 days since I have seen him and it feels like an eternity. 20 more days is forever. I have been thinking about how he makes me feel and I can’t compare it to any other feeling I have ever had. I thought I knew a lot about love. But I am slowly starting to realize that I had no idea what love really was. I feel like he is my missing puzzle piece in my life and that once in a lifetime love you wait for. Even when I thought I was in love before, I never had that I can’t live without this person feeling. And I promise, I have that I can’t live without him feeling every time I think of Darcy.

I think about my son and how he absolutely adores Darcy. It is so surreal to me because he is not like that with anyone else. He had this instant connection with him, which might come from my instant connection with him but you can tell it is an honest bond. What I really notice is that Darcy doesn’t bond with him in an effort to get closer to me. That connection stands on its own. But it makes me fall more in love with him.
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Day 2 [30 Sep 2010|09:23am]
3:25pm- I have three voicemail messages saved on my work phone from Darcy. I have already played them a bunch of times just to hear his voice.

Darcy called me last night and we ended up having a long conversation that ended once we both feel asleep. He was in Vegas staying with a relative and I didn’t even think I would get the chance to talk to him. I think

Darcy had a revelation while he was out there. He said that he was on the Strip trying to enjoy himself and realizing that he would have rather been sharing that experience with me. That gave him butterflies. I think he is realizing that he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me in it somewhere, somehow. We talked about how I said that I wasn’t sure if he made up his mind whether or not this was love or infatuation. He kept sticking to that. Even after all of the incredible intimacy we shared over the past few weeks I think there was a part of him still believing it. Well that actually changed yesterday. Darcy admitted to me that for the first time, after getting a gut check in Vegas, that he is letting go of the infatuation belief and letting himself believe in it. We talked about what we have been doing the last few weeks and I said, “Falling in Love”. He surprised me by agreeing with me. He finally is admitting to himself that he is in fact falling in love with me. I can even begin to explain how that made me feel.

We talked about what all of that meant, how not sleeping together is keeping our relationship honest and pure and giving us a real chance at survival. Darcy made me actually feel last night that he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And I believe him. We talked about God and who should be the center of someone’s world and came to a crossroads in which direction we needed to proceed. I know the answer will be revealed in time.
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Day 1 [29 Sep 2010|09:22am]
9:20am-Mr. Darcy left this morning for his 3 week trip abroad. I got a voicemail from him this morning that he left last night. It actually made me cry. Just hearing his voice. I really never thought it would be possible to miss someone so much.

We spent this incredible time together on Monday night. I thought I knew what intimacy was, but spending that time with him, redefined it for me. It seems like that happens a lot with him. The definitions of things I thought I knew get an entirely different meaning. Love is one of those things.

Darcy has taught me so much about myself in the past few months. I honestly wasn’t looking to fall in love when I met him. I had this instant chemistry with him that different than any connection I have had with another human being. I felt this pull towards him and desire to constantly want to be in his energy. I remember vividly the first few weeks I worked with him. I found myself looking forward to every tiny interaction I got to have with him. I don’t think he had any idea. I don’t think I had any idea. It started as a subconscious crush and I wanted to see him as much as possible. He was so brilliant, and I thought I finally found someone that thought as much as I did! The change for me came when I went to his office for the first time. I was actually nervous around him. And then he smiled at me. I think it was in that moment that my life changed forever. Okay, I know that sounds hokey, but he made me feel lit up inside. We spent the next hour, engrossed in a conversation that had nothing to do with work and I knew I wanted to see him again.

The following weeks were a whirlwind of trying to spend as much time with him as possible. It was so easy to talk to him. I really feel like he got me and really understood me. It is usually so hard to me to find another human being that is on my wavelength. That gets me for really me and that I feel knows me on a much deeper level that the superficial way most people do. And Darcy was one of those people. Darcy makes me think, expands my mind and gets me to think about things I haven’t in years. He makes me be the person I felt I had lost along the way, the person I have so desperately tried to find again. When I am with him, I realize who that person is, and I get to be her again. I told him that I always felt happiness was elusive. And I really believe it was for me…for a very long time. But Darcy showed me how to find it, within myself.
I think on some levels I was able to do some of the same things for him. I was able to make him revisit things in his life and push him to grow as a person as well. I think that has become addictive to both of us. I always believed that when you love someone you become the best version of yourself. He does that for me and I hope I can do that for him.

I knew I was falling in love with Darcy really quickly. It took me by surprise, took a hold of me and hasn’t let go. As time has gone on, that feeling has multiplied exponentially, changed, evolved and grown stronger. I love him now, and I know I will love him always.
Darcy isn’t so quick to fall in love. I believe he is trying to figure his way through this and find out whether or not it really is love or just infatuation. I know he will figure it out. What is funny is, although he hasn’t told me he loves me, I see it in his eyes. In the way he looks at me, in his actions. I am not going to say that it wouldn’t be nice to hear it, but it is more incredible to feel it.

Darcy tells me that he is crazy about me. He has even said obsessed. I asked Mr. Darcy if he would ever get married again. He said he would if he could find someone he couldn’t live without. Then he told me that he is scared that he won’t be able to live without me. So I don’t push the love thing with him. I know that when the time is right, it will happen if it is meant to be. And it honestly gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

That reminds me of my favorite part from Meet Joe Black, the movie. The father is giving a speech to his daughter: “Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.”

12:15pm-How your name on an email can cause such a visceral reaction? The truth is: it scares me to think of living a life without Darcy. Need is such a weird thing. In the beginning, I believed it is much better to be wanted than needed. What I failed to realize that need comes connected to real true unconditional love. And I have such a seemingly primal need for Darcy. The idea of being permanently separated from him seems like a torturous exercise in futility. Obsession also has such a negative connotation. But since the idea of not seeing him actually causes me to have a panic attack, I think I am there.

Darcy and I have had these 6 to 9 hour conversations. The raw honesty in our interactions is addicting. The best part is that I want to tell him everything. I want him to know me. I want to share all of the skeletons in my closet, all of the details of my life, because I think that if I get them out there now, he can still love me in spite of it all, then we have true love.

Silence. That is another thing I noticed about Mr. Darcy. The silence is comforting. And normal. I don’t feel the need to fill it with empty chatter. We can sit together in silence and it just feels like home. He feels like home. Only no home I have ever known before. He makes me feel safe. Not just because he is a foot taller and a hundred pounds bigger than me ;-) I do when he wraps me up in his arms, I feel protected and safe. But he makes me feel safe in his words and actions. Letting me be would I am without any type of judgment. I am so old fashioned like that. I always wanted a man that was going to make me feel that way.

4:38pm- I keep feeling like I am going to speak to Darcy soon. Missing our morning call and now my drive home call. I want to pick up the phone and call his job. I actually have a knot in my stomach from not being able to hear his voice. Yes, obsession is the operative word. I feel edgy. I have no idea how I will survive the next 20 days. I know I have to make so many changes in my world in the next couple of weeks. I am nervous and anxious all wrapped up in one package. I realize that Darcy is my rock through this and now I feel like I am just floating down the river without an anchor. The best part about this process is going to be finding my inner strength to do this on my own. Darcy was worried about me before he left because he was concerned that I needed him to get through this difficult time. I do need him but I also want to prove to him how strong I really am. I want him to be proud of me.

I am going to start to read the book that Darcy gave me. I really want to understand everything about him. I want to be able to peer a bit into his world and see it from his eyes. I know we are very different people but it just seems like every time we disagreed about something, we are able to figure out and talk our way through it. I can’t imagine anything being a real deal breaker with us since it seems like we are able to come to an understanding and have complete tolerance for the other person’s beliefs.

I really think of Darcy as one of my best friends. I can't think of that many people I am closer to. As you reveal pieces of yourself to somebody slowly you become more vulnerable and it is like giving in. It is amazing how opening up and trusting somebody makes you change.
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without you [27 Mar 2009|08:51pm]
Its been so long
Since Ive seen you
and I miss your smile
and I miss your face
cause you haven't been around my place.
Its been so long
Since Ive seen you
and i miss the smell of your skin and your hair
and the way you genuinely care for me.
And I don't want these feelings to change
I want our love to always remain
because without you I wouldn't be the same.
Without you.
And I can't explain how I feel inside
Every time i try to tell you, my words always fall short
of showing you what you mean to me, yeah.
And I cant explain how i feel inside
the way you mesmerize me, and how you hypnotize me
with your eyes, with your eyes.
And I dont want these feelings to change
I want our love to always remain
because without you I wouldnt be the same.
So dont ever run away
here beside me is where you will stay
cause without you i could not remain.
Without you.

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thinking of you [27 Mar 2009|08:18pm]
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....
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thanks for it [19 Jun 2008|02:49pm]
[ mood | calm ]

 "It is better to have loved and lost, than not love at all."

Love is the most incredible of human emotions and therefore the most dangerous. However, it's hard for some people to get over the hurt. I'd rather have fallen in love with the most incredible man in the universe and have it last forever. Life has taught me that sometimes things that are wonderful aren't always going to work. I'm still in love with him, even now, after years have gone by. Nothing is going to change that and I have gained incredible power from my conviction. I have only one regret, which is that I hurt him or disappointed him in any way. I will never regret meeting him or falling in love with him.

Love is wonderful. Even when it hurts real bad. If it destroys your willingness to love, then it was pretty selfish in the first place. You should grow from love, not shrink away.

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a post on CL that hit home [22 May 2008|10:07am]
[ mood | thankful ]

I'm the one you wanted all along, the one you fantasized about, but couldn't articulate it. So much wasted time, chances that were never taken, words that were never spoken. But, somehow in the midst of all the silence, our chemistry spoke for us. I'm not the one that is in your face, but the one that is in your head. There are imitators, but I'm the original; the one that's different and unlike anyone else. Open your mind, it's not impossible. It can HAPPEN.

hint: Yes, God did break the mold after me!

The song Better in Time by Leona Lewis has been stuck in my head. I am feel hopeful. Not that he will realize his love for me- but that I will find the strength to live in the moment and be happy. And no feel like I missed out on love. Love comes in many forms. 

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going
Coming
Thought I heard a knock(Whose there, Noone?)
Thinking that (I deserve it)
Now I have realised
That I really didn't knooOooOw

If you didn't notice
You mean everything (quickly I'm learning)
To love again (all I know is)
I'm be oooOook

(Chorus)

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeaah (It'll All get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too
Oooh(It'll all get better in time)

(Verse)

I could of turned on the TV
Without something that would remind me
Was it all that easy?
To just put us out your feeling

If i'm dreamin
Don't want to let it (hurt my feelings)
But that's the past (i believe it)
And I know that, time will heal it

If you didn't notice
Well you mean everything (quickly i'm learning)
Oooh turn up again (All I know is)
I'm be ok

(Chorus)

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
Oooh yeah(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too oooooh(It'll all get better in time)

(Bridge)

Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)
This time I let you go so I can be free
And Live my life how it should be(No No No No No No)
No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you
Yes I Will

(Chorus)

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
Oooh(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cos I deserve too yes I do(It'll all get better in time)

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too yeaaaah Ooooh oooooh (It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
Going to smile cos I deserve too Ooooooh (It'll all get better....)

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Realize [20 May 2008|12:35pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
realize, realize

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from the past [25 Mar 2005|04:55pm]
[ mood | numb ]

You know you're in love when you can say anything to the person and you know they won't laugh at you. When you can see their face when you close your eyes. When you can still feel their arms around you holding you tight long after they are gone. When you can still taste their kiss after you have said good-bye. You can tell you're in love when you miss them before they are gone. When their voice lingers in your ears. When their presence eases any pain. When their name sends chills down your spine. When they are the only thing you can think about. You know you're in love when you can see all their hopes and dreams and their soul when you look into their eyes. When they call you at four in the morning and say, "I love you" and mean it. When your tears stain not only their shirt, but also their heart. When they are hurt just because of these tears. When even a simple chore done with them can become a lasting memory. Ultimately, you know you're in love when you can't imagine living without them, and can't figure, how did you live before you knew them. When they fulfill every need and without them you are incomplete. The love of someone else completes the heart, and soul, and mind all at once.

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one of my favorite movies [22 Mar 2005|09:20am]
[ mood | busy ]

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
- Seth (Nicolas Cage) in City of Angels

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the meaning from above [07 Jan 2005|09:01am]
[ mood | curious ]

about forgiving without forgetting, about the sorrow that shadows our lives and the hope that saves us. And it is about once-in-a-lifetime friendships . . .the kind that heal, sustain, and change us forever.

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he called!!! [19 Aug 2004|08:32pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Holy macaroni! I went to check my phone at about 4pm and he had called me! I got his message...he was thinking about me...hope all is well...I should try and call him later...doesn't know if he would be able to talk...hoping to catch me around. Yippee high ho!
I didn't call him back tonight. It is too late. But I am ecstatic. I will call him tomorrow. Oh yes indeedie.

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back to the future [30 Jul 2004|10:08pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I miss him. I don't know why but tonight I really miss him. I can't believe the little details of our life together that I remember and hold on to.
I really sometimes wish I could back in time and change things. I can't imagine falling in love like that and end up feeling like this.
He was my true love. I want to be in Central Park right now. 2 years ago.

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who knows what tomorrow brings? [12 Jul 2004|02:22pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I called him again. I know I know. Why? Because I had to. He was originally on the phone and asked if I could call him back. Which I did. Our conversation was brief and albeit a bit awkward. I definitely did the "feel out", to see if he really wanted to talk to me. He told me that he was just thinking about me. But he made it seem as if that was a bad thing. Ha! He still thinks about me. Then he told me about working 14 hours a day and not making any money. He made reference to things working out the way they did...because it was my choice. Dude. I know that. He said he would call me when things settle down although he had no idea when that would happen. He also said that he didn't mind if I called him. He didn't see put off that I called him. Could it be that he was actually happy to hear from me? He thanked me for calling. He usually did. God I miss that man. I really miss him. I miss his touch. His voice. His smile.
he seems happy. very tired, very stressed but happy. that makes me happy. I know I should not have told him that I think about him alot. But I did. I still can't tell him I love him. But it is a start. Who knows?

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moments live forever [10 Jun 2004|04:56pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

He will not leave my mind. Three months have gone by. No contact.
Move on.
I really miss him.
Even now, certain songs trigger these memories of that summer two years ago.
Kissing him under the Karaoke awning. The feel of the fence between my fingers as he reached to kiss me goodbye before Atlanta. Walking to the stores in the rain. Getting so caught up in our kiss we didn't even see the waitress. it was so hopeful. and magical.

just the way he once told me that I can be myself. I don't always have to pretend that everything is alright.
He let me be who I really am. And it was okay with him. He was always so honest with me. He told me all of his hopes. And all of his fears.

that was a true love. a once in a lifetime love.

I will not be sad, because I got to experience it.

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dream meaning [10 Jun 2004|08:55am]
[ mood | awake ]

So I had this dream yesterday that I went to work back in my old job. I was going with a few of my freinds and bam! I ran into him. I asked him if I could talk to him. He said yes and led me over to this car. He opened it up and there was the cutest little baby girl, that turned out ot be his daughter. They apparently did have a child together. He was wearing a wedding band but once I asked him about it, he told me that he wasn't married.
So then I started to tell him how I felt. How I was still in love with him after all this time. He told me that he thought about me and he still loved me.
Then he told me about how he was sick and was dying of cancer. I told him that I would do anything to be with him. And help him.
I remember thinking how I hoped this was real and not a dream. That I really was seeing him again. That he really still loved me.
He kissed me.

And I woke up.

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